Dr. Pramila Srivastava

We may often feel that being honest is a straightforward task, just being black and white, that letting people know what we feel is relatively easy. We just open our mouths and say it and it's done. But human life has shown extraordinary troubles around communicating our intentions and emotions clearly and honestly.

So many times we say nothing but somehow expect to be understood anyway, and blame the person for not reading our minds. We don't get something off our chest, but instead, we go for people-pleasing behavior but secretly become more hateful and resent them for some things that may not be entirely their fault. We pretend we don't care, we become avoidant and cold. We say things are okay while actually, we are not okay at all. So, in the end we end up exploding dramatically rather than explain calmly. The explosion or burst of anger and emotion often being the result of a past burial of the problem that then gives way to an eruption of resentment.

We nag bitterly, we even don't try to explain and get interested in trying to order, impose and control instead. But there is so much that we should be talking about honestly without shying away from being vulnerable and expressing our innermost and genuine emotions. What we want from our partners, how certain things that our friends and loved ones do that hurts us or makes us feel small and unappreciated though usually unintentionally. How badly we need a hug after a long and horrible day but don't ever ask or deny ourselves because we don't want to seem weak by asking, or how we would want a raise, promotion, a change in role or job where we might feel more comfortable or might feel we would do better.

Our behavior of dishonest communication starts early. It's almost always the result of a certain sort of childhood in which we might not have been adequately allowed to get things off our chest or were not listened to or paid adequate attention when we desperately need them to do so. Perhaps we had an angry parent or someone around whom we had to walk on eggshells. We had to be so careful with what we said or a terrifying explosion could be unleashed at any point. Or maybe we had a prudish parent and it disappointed them when we were a bit rough or careless. No wonder we find it hard, to be frank about our body and its desires and needs. Or maybe we had a very delicate parent whom we loved but were always afraid to bring problems to them in case they couldn't bear it or broke down too often. Or perhaps the parents were too preoccupied or busy, and seemed like our concerns were nothing next to the challenges they had to face.

Dishonest communication has its roots in the feeling that we can't be truthful, tolerated, and loved altogether. That who we are isn't enough. But once we get conscious of how reluctant we are, to be honest, or communicate honestly or directly, we may be able to start to take action and control our problem of dishonesty towards not just others but especially towards ourselves. By understanding our past we can come to understand that the present may not in fact require the compromises around communication we once had to endure as children. Without quite noticing it, we might be sticking to the very unfortunate habit that was formed, understandably, to deal with problems that actually belonged to the past.

We can afford to be bolder and we're stronger and wiser now and others too are stronger now than we might have imagined. Most people can actually take some bad news, and if they really can't then we can always walk away. We should put ourselves in the shoes of the person that we are afraid of, to be honest. Is it really nice to be lied to or not told what really matters? People need to know the bad news to fix it. We can endure the risk of being disliked in the name of a cleansing and healing confrontation. We should go through mental exercises to practice an inner resilience around being honest and communicating what we feel and who we are honestly. We may get sacked but there are always other opportunities. They may not like us but there are others where we can be accepted and loved for who we are. What we feel is not always bad or strange. It deserves to be heard. We have to tell ourselves helpful and important things that we fail to hear from others sufficiently loudly.

We're going to be okay, whatever happens next, will never be too horrible that it can never be fixed or forgiven, we will be loved even if we disappoint. We have spent enough time with our shoulders hunched and our eyes wary. We have nothing to be ashamed of. We can afford to say what we really feel to those who deserve our honesty and, in this way, at the end of the day, we may become a bit closer towards creating a life that is richer, more genuine, and honest.